Gang de gnochons

I am currently in Montreal visiting family.  Once or twice a year I visit this city, my hometown.  Every time I am amazed by how different it is from any other city in Canada and for that matter the world.  Even when I lived here I felt like it was a different place and it was never for any good reasons....bar one - the bars were open late and, as a teenager and young adult, it was a great place to have fun.  But other than that I feel like, for the most part, the differences are negative.

"Les Québecois sont une gang de gnochons".  Those words were uttered by a Quebecker, sitting in front of my wife on the plane.  The cause for the words was a screw up by Air Canada, Dorval Airport (oops, I mean Pierre Elliott Trudeau or PET Airport) staff and Transport Canada resulting in us sitting on the plane for close to an hour waiting for a gate to free up.  While this entire event is not the fault of Quebeckers or Montrealers it was nevertheless emblematic for me of what I have observed in this city since my arrival.

1)  Health.  When comparing Montrealers to Vancouverites I see a big difference in body shape.  I see fatter, less attractive people.  They don't look as healthy, as natural.  They smoke more.  They are uptight, less friendly.  The sporting stores are full of bathing suits for show rather than sport.  The bikes are of low quality.  Food stores stock very little organic foods.  The fruits and vegetables are not as nice.  People always speak about the beauty of French-Canadian women and of the fashion style of this city.  Come back for a visit and re-evaluate please.

2) Signage.  Highway lanes disappear mysteriously.  We saw a SmartCar come a centimetre or two from being obliterated by an 18-wheeler because of the sudden disappearance of the fast lane on highway 13.  Obstructions appear without warning.  Boulevard St. Martin in Laval, signs are placed in the middle of a lane.  You either slam the brakes or cut someone off to avoid it.  Only the start of detours are indicated, not the entire detour.  Driving towards the suburbs of the city, westward, you have no idea that Dorval, Pointe-Claire, Beaconsfield are ahead.  Nope...direction indicated is Toronto only.  Whatever happened to letting people in, to waving the hand to say thanks?  Not here.

3) Taxis.  You can't identify them.  They look like some individual just stuck a sign on his car and called himself a cabbie.  No yellow cabs, no orange cabs...no easy way to identify cabs like in all other cities I have been to in the world.  Tourists feel like they are being scammed just like when you get off the plane on some Caribbean island and you get surrounded by people enticing you into their cab.

4) Streets.  Siberia, 1975.  That is what if feels like.  Highway 55 leading to the border requires a Hummer for a comfortable drive.  Most roads are littered with ravines, canyons and craters.  If they were filled you are faced having to find your way through the Himalayas of patches.  Highways lanes are blocked even if no work is being done on them at all.

5) Language.  Huh?  What did you say?  Is that French?  I sometimes have a hard time understanding what is being said...and French is my mother-tongue (albeit I do not use it nearly as much as English and am therefore losing it).  It is all slang.  Swearing is common on prime time.  It feels like a slow decay of civilization and culture....of respect.  

6) Bugs!  Surrounded by insects.  Unbelievable.  I went running and had to keep my mouth shut to not suffer through a meal of fly and mosquito.  It is warfare out there with dragonflies feasting on mosquitoes, spiders hoovering flies.  I guess I can't blame this one on les gnochons though ;-)

Interestingly I have found that those who look the healthiest and those that speak the best French seem to be the immigrants.  The ones that pure laine Quebeckers are so fearful of.  Accept them, you gang de gnochons.  You might end up with a city and province that rivals the cities of the planet as they bring their knowledge and way of life to your little protected island.